Dear Vice President Cheney,
Some very suspicious events have been brought to my attention lately. Perhaps you and other members of the US government are already aware of them. Nearly everyone I have spoken to recently appears to be aware of this situation, and I cannot believe that the US government has not taken any action.
I am talking about a bearded gentleman most often seen wearing unusual clothes named "Santa Claus". Even this name appears to be an alias. His actual name seems to be Saint Nicklaus. "Santa Claus" may be just a mis-pronounciation of his actual name, since he seems to be a foreigner.
The widely-believed story that I have heard on numerous occasions is that Mr. Nicklaus is able to maintain heavy surveilence on US citizens, particularly young children. His organization supposedly keeps highly detailed records of all of the activities or children, and perhaps even adults. I'm not sure how this is possible, but perhaps he is using some sort of modern technology.
Mr. Niklaus is also supposed to be the owner of a children's toy manufacturing company. But this company claims to give all of its toys away. Clearly such a firm would be bankrupt very quickly. My suspicion is that this is part of some sort of elaborate money laundering scheme. Nothing else makes sense.
In addition, his toy factory seems to be staffed entirely with 'little people'. The claim is that these are elves (or is it dwarves?). This seems to be a very strange hiring practice. Why would anyone do this? My guess is that these are also children (children seem to be a recurring theme with Mr. Niklaus). Could Mr. Niklaus be running a large child-labor operation, too? We've seen many of these cases in other countries recently.
Finally, why has Mr. Niklaus chosen to locate his factory at the North Pole. I'll note that this is currently an area with no strong central government. The only possible answer is that Mr. Niklaus is looking to avoid public scrutiny and exist outside of the rule of law.
Pehaps most disturbing is the story that Mr. Niklaus and his associates routnely enter the US without going through proper immigrations or customs procedures. They are even rumored to violate US airspace, it would appear, undetected. Even more outrageous, most people I spoke with believe that this happens nearly every year, on or about December 25.
I know much of this seems fantastic, but I have heard this from multiple reliable sources. I assume that the US government is aware of this situation and is taking appropriate action. If not, I hope this letter will help see to it that some investigation of Mr. Niklaus and his activities is begun as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Dr. Steven Morphy-Godchaux III,
Austin, TX
12/4/2007
